B-A-N-A-N-A-S Freak Me Out


By Jordan Norkus

Arts & Entertainment Editor

I’m sitting in class listening to the professor, trying to pay attention, and by pay attention I mean turn my notes into a doodle masterpiece.

So I’m sitting there, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I smell something nasty. I look over and the person next to me is eating a banana. What do they think this is? A game? Because it’s not.

Bananas are disgusting. I’m not allergic to them but I wish I was. They do not taste good, they do not smell good, and they have a creepy little texture.

They just really freak me out. Why? I’ll tell you why.

Yeah, I get it. Bananas are a potassium packed fruit that are incredibly good for you. Any time I tell someone I do not like them, they look at me like I have five heads. If you are someone who likes bananas, really think about it. The mushy ends, the creepy strings you have to peel off. I’m queasy just thinking about it.

Sometimes I’m feeling a little risky and order a strawberry banana smoothie. Every single time I tell them to put the smallest amount of banana possible, because let’s be honest, there’s nothing more boring than a plain strawberry smoothie. And you know what they do? Put in all of the banana and just like that, my smoothie is ruined. Bananas dominate any smoothie they’re put into and I’m not about it.

The correct name for a bunch of bananas is a “hand.” So technically speaking, a single banana is considered a “finger.” How creepy is that? Keep your “hands” to yourself.

Bananas don’t grow on trees. They grow on these huge herbs so they are technically considered a berry. Botanists are going to go and call THAT a berry? A banana is as close to being a berry as I am as close to being a billionaire—not close at all.

Did you know that there are about 50 “recognized” species of bananas? How extra is that? What’s considered an “unrecognized” banana? One kind of banana is bad enough.

Some health experts and scientists claim that rubbing the inside of a banana peel on a bug bite, poison ivy, scrapes and burns will help with all of the annoying symptoms. I would rather deal with the pain.

Apparently bananas can even be used as a natural teeth whitener. If you rub the inside of a banana peel on your teeth for two minutes every night, you get results in two weeks. I’d rather have teeth as yellow as a banana then rub that creepy peel on the inside of my mouth.

Smushed bananas make for a “great conditioner.” I’d rather go bald than let my hair soak in banana paste.

This one really gets me. Someone said that rubbing a banana peel on your forehead can help cure a headache. Can you imagine seeing that? Actually think about that for a minute. Ridiculous.

A man in India once ate 81 bananas in a half hour. Why would anyone in their right minds ever do something like that? I hope he got sick after that. Asinine.

How could anyone like bananas if they have ever played Mario Kart? Those pesky little virtual banana peels should be enough to make someone despise bananas for the rest of their life.

I could go on and on about why bananas freak me out, but to be frank, no one understands. In a world full of banana lovers, I’m a banana hater.

Leave the bananas for the monkeys.


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